Placebo

Having seen what this Upper-Midwest world has to offer, and a year-long bout of insomnia has subjected me to starting a new blog. One which I’ll undoubtedly neglect and regret for my brutally honest ventings, rants, and confessions. Should you find yourself actually reading this, I encourage you to find better things to do with your time. Namely any of the following: Whale-watching, volunteerism, Facebook stalking, cleaning out your refridgerator, picking up more hours at work, researching the history of the modern Chinese culture, gardening, or wood working.

It’s fall, which means I’m once again re-examining my life and thinking about how I should definitely be going back to school for something more practical, only to be shot down by my left-hemisphere’s logical side. It’s really the monetary issue that holds me back most. I’m relatively sure I could get in…somewhere. Ideally not clown college though. Last year I gave serious thought to going into teaching with a focus on history. Only to remember that by the time I finished I would be looking at close to $80,000 dollars in debt, holding two degrees, and no career that would offer enough to pay student loans back within my lifetime.

Wisconsin is starting to not feel like home anymore, and I long to root somewhere. Minneapolis would be awesome to live in again. Portland (ME or OR) has often been the subject of day dreams. Recently Asheville came into play, after Brad helped launch a Triple-A there. It seems like a pretty ideal situation, but my self-hating thoughts write scenes that suggest otherwise. Awful assumptions that I can’t often convince myself are incorrect.

I think a lot of this boils down to myself feeling rather un-fulfilled with what I’ve done in my life. What little I feel I’ve experienced, enjoyed or more specifically NOT enjoyed. Even more frustrating is not being able to site specific examples of what I would like enjoy/not enjoy/experience. It’s not unlike the feeling I had when I was 17 or 18, not knowing what should be done with my future, but knowing what mattered to me and taking a shot at a direction.

Wrong decisions, poor decisions, and an overactive mind bring me to this hole, unable to grasp onto anything that’s taken root, in order to pull myself up and onto some soft earth.