Fully Retractable

Someone give me drugs.



Numb sounds pretty ideal.

Sometime it takes

someone else to make you realize how much you've actually got yourself together.

This magnet is not in everyone like this. This magnet is so powerful only in Divinity

Really depressed today.

The water is warming. Exploring more of my spirituality is piquing my interest. I'm keeping an open mind about things.

Always looking past what seems plausible.

Whatever your direction, let it be worship. I like this mantra.

In A Sweater Poorly Knit

In a sweater poorly knit and an unsuspecting smile, little Moses drifts downstream in the Nile. A fumbling reply, an awkward rigid laugh. I'm carried helpless by my floating basket raft. Your flavor in my mind swings back and forth between. Sweeter than any wine and bitter as mustard greens. Light and dark as honeydew and pumpernickel bread. The trap I set for you seems to have caught my leg instead!

As you plow some other field, try and forget my name. See what harvest yields, and, supposing I'd do the same, I planted rows of peas. But by the first week of July they should have come up to my knees. But they were maybe ankle high. Take the fingers from your flute to weave your colored yarns,and boil down your fruit to preserves in mason jars. But now the books are overdue, and the goats are underfed. The trap I set for you seems to have caught my leg instead!

You're a door-without-a-key, a field-without-a-fence. You made a holy fool of me and I've thanked you ever since. If she comes circling back, we'll end where we'd begun. Like two pennies on the train track. The train crushed into one. Or if I'm a crown without a king, if I'm a broken open seed. If I come without a thing, then I come with all I need. No boat out in the blue, no place to rest your head, the trap I set for you seems to have caught my leg instead!

I do not exist. Only YOU exist.

The Vapors! The VAPORS!!!!

As promised in my first post here, I've managed to neglect this for nearly two months.

Shame.

Because I'm an idiot, I've again tonight partially delved myself into yet another book that I'll undoubtedly never finish. This makes double digits. I need to discipline myself a bit more into actually completing a book. I suppose I could drop a few, as I've read them before. Kerouac, another day.

4 of the books I've partially cracked have to do with the photography subject I've been toying around with. I've already taken a few pictures that I'm semi-proud of, and numerous shots that I'm not proud of. Although, we'll see what the future says, as I'll surely gander back at them all and shake my head in disapproval.

I would like to post them here soon. As soon as I can get my hands on a decent USB cable. I don't plan on doing much post-editing for now. I'm trying to focus on taking better pictures. Not editing. I'll deal with that later.

This Canon has been a great investment ($775 w/ shipping!). It's nice to have a bit of a creative outlet. Although admittedly, I've been slacking a bit with the guitar. I'm not keeping up with it quite as much as I think I should be.

School is, once again, being put off for now. Some are way out of my price range, others have too long of a waiting list, and I'm not giving Brown more of my (borrowed) money.

My friends make poor relationship decisions. But I guess it's my position to stand behind him with my fingers crossed. In a few years, I'll probably have my chance to say "I told you so."

Also, Max Astell AMAZES me with his musical acquisitions:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b1irbhY_dgY&feature=related

Briefcase Filled with Mace

Sometimes I make irrationally poor decisions. I've been making a number of those lately.

Time to clean my act up a bit.

EADGBE

It's been some time since I last posted anything up here, and I feel again like things are getting un-bearable. I always say that, and somehow I'm still around. Must be full of empty thoughts.

I tend to make things much more complicated than they really should be. Like why don't I just come out and say, "You know what? You're an awesome person, whom I admire a great deal. Why don't we date?"

Because of my irrational fear of rejection. Totally irrational. We already hang out. Not terribly often, because you're busy. But I feel comfortable enough in saying that we've been going on casual, friendly dates.

Here's what I like about you though, you don't really seem like the kind of person who takes things "relationship"-y things terribly serious. You don't seem to fall into what is often self-inflicted drama for the sake of drama. THAT'S fucking sexy.

At least your friend(s?) seem to think that we hang out "more often than the average friends of the opposite sex". Maybe that counts for something. Doubt it.

I always tell myself that I'm lazy. Largely because I am. Just once I should really buckle down and commit myself to some self-improvement. Let's start something this week.

Options:

A) Some kind of work-out regimen:
*Just something simple like walking around to start off with. I do this in the summer when I'm working with KL. I also think I'll buy a bike and do more of that. Paternal inspiration there.

B) Dust off the fucking guitar:
* I've honestly written "Wash Me" in dust on the poor neglected soul.

C) Begin the process of going back to college:
* This is wicked fucking hard, expensive, and not totally feasible right now. I'll probably put it off for a bit.

Also, I would still like to die.

Passion Play

Not many songs can quite as accurately describe my internal thought processes of the moment. Here I go posting lyrics again...

I should not have hid where my heart can't follow,

'cause this grace gets so far and too hard to swallow.

I've been running from Saul, he's been giving chase;

when I look in his eyes, all I see is my face.

You're still on my back after all these years,

chasing me out of hell and my nice veneers.

I don't know how you stand when you've got no floor,

or how you can breathe with your hands on boards.

I just want to be not what I am today,

I just want to be better than my friends might say,

I just want a small part in your passions play.

Do you hear when I call in the midst of wrong?

Do you hear these here words while I sing this song?

Are you caught up in me like I heard you say,

or just some big cashier that I'll have to pay?

Just want to be not what I am today,

I just want to be better than my friends might say,

I just want a small part in your passions play.

-William Fitzsimmons

Text In Conversation

"Is the money good?"

"$8.75 an hour."

"Fuck."

"Yeah."

*Moderately awkward silence*

"So, do you still want to kill yourself?"

"Oh yeah."