EADGBE

It's been some time since I last posted anything up here, and I feel again like things are getting un-bearable. I always say that, and somehow I'm still around. Must be full of empty thoughts.

I tend to make things much more complicated than they really should be. Like why don't I just come out and say, "You know what? You're an awesome person, whom I admire a great deal. Why don't we date?"

Because of my irrational fear of rejection. Totally irrational. We already hang out. Not terribly often, because you're busy. But I feel comfortable enough in saying that we've been going on casual, friendly dates.

Here's what I like about you though, you don't really seem like the kind of person who takes things "relationship"-y things terribly serious. You don't seem to fall into what is often self-inflicted drama for the sake of drama. THAT'S fucking sexy.

At least your friend(s?) seem to think that we hang out "more often than the average friends of the opposite sex". Maybe that counts for something. Doubt it.

I always tell myself that I'm lazy. Largely because I am. Just once I should really buckle down and commit myself to some self-improvement. Let's start something this week.

Options:

A) Some kind of work-out regimen:
*Just something simple like walking around to start off with. I do this in the summer when I'm working with KL. I also think I'll buy a bike and do more of that. Paternal inspiration there.

B) Dust off the fucking guitar:
* I've honestly written "Wash Me" in dust on the poor neglected soul.

C) Begin the process of going back to college:
* This is wicked fucking hard, expensive, and not totally feasible right now. I'll probably put it off for a bit.

Also, I would still like to die.

Passion Play

Not many songs can quite as accurately describe my internal thought processes of the moment. Here I go posting lyrics again...

I should not have hid where my heart can't follow,

'cause this grace gets so far and too hard to swallow.

I've been running from Saul, he's been giving chase;

when I look in his eyes, all I see is my face.

You're still on my back after all these years,

chasing me out of hell and my nice veneers.

I don't know how you stand when you've got no floor,

or how you can breathe with your hands on boards.

I just want to be not what I am today,

I just want to be better than my friends might say,

I just want a small part in your passions play.

Do you hear when I call in the midst of wrong?

Do you hear these here words while I sing this song?

Are you caught up in me like I heard you say,

or just some big cashier that I'll have to pay?

Just want to be not what I am today,

I just want to be better than my friends might say,

I just want a small part in your passions play.

-William Fitzsimmons

Text In Conversation

"Is the money good?"

"$8.75 an hour."

"Fuck."

"Yeah."

*Moderately awkward silence*

"So, do you still want to kill yourself?"

"Oh yeah."