Sometimes it seems that I'm not a very good friend to those close to me. I've never been one to be able to host someone at my place. It just wasn't something that my father was comfortable with when I was younger. Not that I blame him. He wasn't in a good place in his life. I'd love to have more people over, but my home isn't very becoming to guests. Often my mother is passed out on the couch because she works so much, and my room can't fit more than two people comfortably.
Yesterday I walked out to avoid confrontation. I really wish people would be up-front and approachable about issues with me, instead of continually letting me do something that bothers them. I can take directions, but I won't pick up on silence or hints. I've never had that ability. I'm sure I'll get questioned about it despite the fact that I purposely tried to leave with as small a presence as possible. I didn't want a huff, but undoubtedly it's been created for me.
I'm getting a bit off-topic from where I intended this post to be lead. Point is, I'm afraid that as I grow apart from the people I've labeled as the "Closest Friends" in my life, I don't feel as though I'm growing towards anyone else. I'm already lonely. What's going to come of this if I don't grasp onto someone?
During counseling while I was in Ames, a topic that often got brought up was the negative paths that our minds naturally take to conclusions. It's said that "It takes a while to make those paths, and it will take a while to correct them.", which I half believe. I'm not sure that I've made all of those paths myself. I believe, largely, that the human mind is wired to think negatively. My issues run deep and far. I vividly remember tracking early signs of my depression into 3rd and 4th grade; long before a lot of those issues come up during everyone's teen-angst years.
Always, always, always angry about the decisions I made when I was between 15-18. My scewed little view on the "real world" was so self-centered, narrow, and impractical. Once, my sister even told me that nobody in my family could really stand me at all during those times. I regret nearly every major decision I've made for the past 6 or 7 years. I'm really paying for it now. Part of my "growth" apart from people has blossomed a lot of time wasted on Facebook. I glance at the lives and directions of nearly 300 people, convincing myself that somehow they all got it right. They've made the right decisions to ensure their futures, not without some human flaws.
Last night, I sent a late, teary-eyed text message to two friends who were closing their performance of The Rose Tattoo. I'm simultaniously really proud/elated for them, while being angry at myself and admittingly jealous at all the friends they've acquired and accomplishments they've been able to hang their hats on. I kind of just wanted to get sloppy drunk and walk into some high speed oncoming traffic, or just walk down the boat landing at the end of my street, into the icy river. I shouldn't be plotting those things again.
The cold air is pushing hard on you.
I know what you're saying; I can feel it, too.
You'll go through changes, and I'll go through them too.
Don't be afraid now, don't be afraid.
'Cause when the wind takes you, it takes me, too.
When you change colours, I change mine, too.
Try not to think and I will try, too.
And when you let go, I will let go, too.
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