Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Sunken-eyed Girl
It sounds awfully girly and superficial of me, but I hate to admit that I'm just not one of the pretty people.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Redundancy
Most of all, I want this redundancy to be eliminated from my being. I crave movement, progress, and motion. The past two-and-a-half years have been pretty unsurmountable. I'm succumbing to the pressure.
I've said (and still say) some awful things. I stick my foot in my mouth so often, and never seem to learn my lesson. I'd nearly forgotten that in the past, I hurt your feelings. Somehow. You never allowed me closure on our friendship, or what it was that I did, or you did, or what you or I might have said. I never got the chance to explain myself, and just where my fucked-up head was at the time. All I can offer is an apology.
You were fun. We were both pretty naive.
I've said (and still say) some awful things. I stick my foot in my mouth so often, and never seem to learn my lesson. I'd nearly forgotten that in the past, I hurt your feelings. Somehow. You never allowed me closure on our friendship, or what it was that I did, or you did, or what you or I might have said. I never got the chance to explain myself, and just where my fucked-up head was at the time. All I can offer is an apology.
You were fun. We were both pretty naive.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Is It Strange That You Perpetuate Yourself?
Recently, I'm come to a revelation that I'm growing further away from people. In my past (and yours too, I imagine) I would grow closer to/move away from certain people in my life. Nothing dramatic really, just the nature of how things went. My priorities changed as I (thought I) would personally grow into the person God intended me to be. Sometimes, it wouldn't even be sacrificed for the sake of personal development. If I was moving to a new city, it just wouldn't be feasible to continue an actual, healthy, mutual friendship with people. Not to say I didn't keep touch with them, care about them, and occasionally joke with them. Cite example: Daron, my Minnesotan twin. Sometimes I don't think I've been a very good friend to him, but I can't say exactly how or why.
Sometimes it seems that I'm not a very good friend to those close to me. I've never been one to be able to host someone at my place. It just wasn't something that my father was comfortable with when I was younger. Not that I blame him. He wasn't in a good place in his life. I'd love to have more people over, but my home isn't very becoming to guests. Often my mother is passed out on the couch because she works so much, and my room can't fit more than two people comfortably.
Yesterday I walked out to avoid confrontation. I really wish people would be up-front and approachable about issues with me, instead of continually letting me do something that bothers them. I can take directions, but I won't pick up on silence or hints. I've never had that ability. I'm sure I'll get questioned about it despite the fact that I purposely tried to leave with as small a presence as possible. I didn't want a huff, but undoubtedly it's been created for me.
I'm getting a bit off-topic from where I intended this post to be lead. Point is, I'm afraid that as I grow apart from the people I've labeled as the "Closest Friends" in my life, I don't feel as though I'm growing towards anyone else. I'm already lonely. What's going to come of this if I don't grasp onto someone?
During counseling while I was in Ames, a topic that often got brought up was the negative paths that our minds naturally take to conclusions. It's said that "It takes a while to make those paths, and it will take a while to correct them.", which I half believe. I'm not sure that I've made all of those paths myself. I believe, largely, that the human mind is wired to think negatively. My issues run deep and far. I vividly remember tracking early signs of my depression into 3rd and 4th grade; long before a lot of those issues come up during everyone's teen-angst years.
Always, always, always angry about the decisions I made when I was between 15-18. My scewed little view on the "real world" was so self-centered, narrow, and impractical. Once, my sister even told me that nobody in my family could really stand me at all during those times. I regret nearly every major decision I've made for the past 6 or 7 years. I'm really paying for it now. Part of my "growth" apart from people has blossomed a lot of time wasted on Facebook. I glance at the lives and directions of nearly 300 people, convincing myself that somehow they all got it right. They've made the right decisions to ensure their futures, not without some human flaws.
Last night, I sent a late, teary-eyed text message to two friends who were closing their performance of The Rose Tattoo. I'm simultaniously really proud/elated for them, while being angry at myself and admittingly jealous at all the friends they've acquired and accomplishments they've been able to hang their hats on. I kind of just wanted to get sloppy drunk and walk into some high speed oncoming traffic, or just walk down the boat landing at the end of my street, into the icy river. I shouldn't be plotting those things again.
Sometimes it seems that I'm not a very good friend to those close to me. I've never been one to be able to host someone at my place. It just wasn't something that my father was comfortable with when I was younger. Not that I blame him. He wasn't in a good place in his life. I'd love to have more people over, but my home isn't very becoming to guests. Often my mother is passed out on the couch because she works so much, and my room can't fit more than two people comfortably.
Yesterday I walked out to avoid confrontation. I really wish people would be up-front and approachable about issues with me, instead of continually letting me do something that bothers them. I can take directions, but I won't pick up on silence or hints. I've never had that ability. I'm sure I'll get questioned about it despite the fact that I purposely tried to leave with as small a presence as possible. I didn't want a huff, but undoubtedly it's been created for me.
I'm getting a bit off-topic from where I intended this post to be lead. Point is, I'm afraid that as I grow apart from the people I've labeled as the "Closest Friends" in my life, I don't feel as though I'm growing towards anyone else. I'm already lonely. What's going to come of this if I don't grasp onto someone?
During counseling while I was in Ames, a topic that often got brought up was the negative paths that our minds naturally take to conclusions. It's said that "It takes a while to make those paths, and it will take a while to correct them.", which I half believe. I'm not sure that I've made all of those paths myself. I believe, largely, that the human mind is wired to think negatively. My issues run deep and far. I vividly remember tracking early signs of my depression into 3rd and 4th grade; long before a lot of those issues come up during everyone's teen-angst years.
Always, always, always angry about the decisions I made when I was between 15-18. My scewed little view on the "real world" was so self-centered, narrow, and impractical. Once, my sister even told me that nobody in my family could really stand me at all during those times. I regret nearly every major decision I've made for the past 6 or 7 years. I'm really paying for it now. Part of my "growth" apart from people has blossomed a lot of time wasted on Facebook. I glance at the lives and directions of nearly 300 people, convincing myself that somehow they all got it right. They've made the right decisions to ensure their futures, not without some human flaws.
Last night, I sent a late, teary-eyed text message to two friends who were closing their performance of The Rose Tattoo. I'm simultaniously really proud/elated for them, while being angry at myself and admittingly jealous at all the friends they've acquired and accomplishments they've been able to hang their hats on. I kind of just wanted to get sloppy drunk and walk into some high speed oncoming traffic, or just walk down the boat landing at the end of my street, into the icy river. I shouldn't be plotting those things again.
The cold air is pushing hard on you.
I know what you're saying; I can feel it, too.
You'll go through changes, and I'll go through them too.
Don't be afraid now, don't be afraid.
'Cause when the wind takes you, it takes me, too.
When you change colours, I change mine, too.
Try not to think and I will try, too.
And when you let go, I will let go, too.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Rub It Better 'Til It Bleeds
It's become increasingly difficult to find a point in my life where I've felt more overwhelmed with negative thoughts. Most of this has been self-inflicted, which only speeds up the shoveling of dirt.
A few months away from everything, everyone, anything. That uber-appealing hermit lifestyle. Alternative lifestyles always seem more appealing though. It makes you feel closer to individualism; which I feel, doesn't actually exist. Believe me, someone else has already done it.
Have you ever given thought to just bucking the whole system of things, and not actually allowing it to have any power over you? You can take away everything from me. It's empowering and impractical.
I'd like to chill again, but I'm quite self-concious about appearing overly interested in you. You're a much better person than I am, and I wouldn't feel deserving of your form of affection. Or maybe that's just the picture I've painted of you. Besides, you've got plans for your life. I've got pipe dreams; and that's the difference between you and I.
A few months away from everything, everyone, anything. That uber-appealing hermit lifestyle. Alternative lifestyles always seem more appealing though. It makes you feel closer to individualism; which I feel, doesn't actually exist. Believe me, someone else has already done it.
Have you ever given thought to just bucking the whole system of things, and not actually allowing it to have any power over you? You can take away everything from me. It's empowering and impractical.
I'd like to chill again, but I'm quite self-concious about appearing overly interested in you. You're a much better person than I am, and I wouldn't feel deserving of your form of affection. Or maybe that's just the picture I've painted of you. Besides, you've got plans for your life. I've got pipe dreams; and that's the difference between you and I.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Financial AIDS
Hey! Good news! It looks as though I'll be the single citizen responsible for pulling this country out of it's current economic crisis. See the way I see it, with my student loan payments going UP to nearly $500 a month (which is totally do-able with a job that pays $8.75/hour), I'll be picking us all up from the bootstraps and kicking this economy right back into overdrive.
What's that?! $500 is nearly 50% of my net monthly earnings? Well that seems perfectly feasible. I'll be sure to get that right out.
Maybe it's time to start making this place feel like home. It doesn't look like I'll be able to afford to leave for the next 10 years or so.
What's that?! $500 is nearly 50% of my net monthly earnings? Well that seems perfectly feasible. I'll be sure to get that right out.
Maybe it's time to start making this place feel like home. It doesn't look like I'll be able to afford to leave for the next 10 years or so.
Here's the moral of our story, children: Unless your bloodline is in direct contact with the financial powers in this country, it doesn't make sense to go to school. Don't make any mistakes in life. Ever. Youthful mistakes are a luxury afforded only to the rich, powerful, and well-connected. You probably don't fit into any of those categories. You'll be so financially bogged down, barely keeping your neck above the proverbial water would be a blessed relief from your life underwater.
Here's to hoping you can evolve fast. Time to grow some gills.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
When You Were Young / William Fitzsimmons
15 months and they would
Drag you from your throne
But you ain't got no place to go
You're the bad one from the day you were born
You can run
I dont think that you can hide
Have you found the knife and cigarettes inside of your locker with your books?
Smoking weed with Joe and Rock inside his house
You can run
I don't think that you can hide
Mom wants you to come back home
She keeps crying when I call her on the phone
Won't you give this thing a chance?
You were not what you were
When you were young
You were not what you were
When you were young
I was fucked up when you needed me the most
Trying to starve myself to death
I still feel like I did something always wrong
You can run
I don't think that you can hide
Mom wants you to come back home
She keeps crying when I call her on the phone
Won't you give this things a chance?
Cause you were not what you were
When you were young
You were not what you were
When you were young
Drag you from your throne
But you ain't got no place to go
You're the bad one from the day you were born
You can run
I dont think that you can hide
Have you found the knife and cigarettes inside of your locker with your books?
Smoking weed with Joe and Rock inside his house
You can run
I don't think that you can hide
Mom wants you to come back home
She keeps crying when I call her on the phone
Won't you give this thing a chance?
You were not what you were
When you were young
You were not what you were
When you were young
I was fucked up when you needed me the most
Trying to starve myself to death
I still feel like I did something always wrong
You can run
I don't think that you can hide
Mom wants you to come back home
She keeps crying when I call her on the phone
Won't you give this things a chance?
Cause you were not what you were
When you were young
You were not what you were
When you were young
Monday, November 17, 2008
KNRK
*Courtesy of the all-knowing Wikipedia*The Alternative Declaration
As a result of surveys the station sent out shortly after the Marconi incident which lead to KNRK's remodeling, KNRK introduced the Alternative Declaration in 2004, presented as 11 rules for guiding the way the station presented itself on-air.
As a result of surveys the station sent out shortly after the Marconi incident which lead to KNRK's remodeling, KNRK introduced the Alternative Declaration in 2004, presented as 11 rules for guiding the way the station presented itself on-air.
1) Music: It's about the music.
2) We Listen to You: We will listen to our listeners and treat them with respect.
3) Artist and Title of Every Song: We will tell you the title and artist of every song we play.
4) Support Local Music: We will support local bands' music and shows.
5) Never Talk Over the Songs: We will respect the music and our listeners by never talking over the songs.
6) New Music: We will seek out and support new music.
7) Knowledgeable D.J.s: We are dedicated to constantly learning and living the music we choose for you. Our DJ's are Greg Glover, Tara Dublin, Gustav, and Squid.
8) Musical Diversity: We believe in diversity and will be open-minded about the music we play.
9) More Than Just Hit Singles: We will play any good song on the album, not just the "hit" single.
10) Surprise You: We will surprise you with the songs you haven't heard in a while.
11) More Songs Less Often: We will play more songs and repeat them less often.
2) We Listen to You: We will listen to our listeners and treat them with respect.
3) Artist and Title of Every Song: We will tell you the title and artist of every song we play.
4) Support Local Music: We will support local bands' music and shows.
5) Never Talk Over the Songs: We will respect the music and our listeners by never talking over the songs.
6) New Music: We will seek out and support new music.
7) Knowledgeable D.J.s: We are dedicated to constantly learning and living the music we choose for you. Our DJ's are Greg Glover, Tara Dublin, Gustav, and Squid.
8) Musical Diversity: We believe in diversity and will be open-minded about the music we play.
9) More Than Just Hit Singles: We will play any good song on the album, not just the "hit" single.
10) Surprise You: We will surprise you with the songs you haven't heard in a while.
11) More Songs Less Often: We will play more songs and repeat them less often.
Portland always seems like the coolest town in this country. I'll never work here, but I like to daydream.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Sat Bisla
is the shit.
I should broaden my horizons more. I'm just afraid of being "that guy" who listened to "that" band 4 years ago, and they were waaay better when he was listening to them. Their new album is so fucking contrived.
Muzzle Of Bees is awesome. Indie for Sconnies. Fuck yes.
Monday, November 10, 2008
For The Right Price I Can Get Everything
Fuck, man. I'm just trying to make my student loan payments for the month.
Why so fucking complicated? I can't even get through to my supposed-former loaner.
Why so fucking complicated? I can't even get through to my supposed-former loaner.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Princes of the Midwest
My fellow liberals have offered an olive branch to their counterparts. Judging by the status updates of the few conservative Facebook friends I have, I don't think they'll be as receptive as their candidates are to the idea.
I can't help but feel like for no other reason to elect Obama (sans the environment), this country can now work toward reclaiming a stance as a beacon for the world; good moreso than bad.
I didn't vote for Obama based on his race because he didn't choose to make that a central issue to his campaign. I didn't vote for Obama based on his tax policy, viewpoints on abortion, or gay marriage. For God's sake, he wasn't even my first candidate (Kucinich #1 and a longshot).
Think back to George Bush's 2000 campaign promise of running as "a uniter not a divider". There's really no evidence that suggests he ever had intentions of following through with those empty words.
Obama to me, is the epitome of a man who has the ability to unite this country.
I know it's difficult to accept the direction this country will take if you don't agree with Obama policies, but don't write him off. He's not even had a single day in office. Give him a chance. THEN you can form an opinion.
Grasp this olive branch, or burn it.
I can't help but feel like for no other reason to elect Obama (sans the environment), this country can now work toward reclaiming a stance as a beacon for the world; good moreso than bad.
I didn't vote for Obama based on his race because he didn't choose to make that a central issue to his campaign. I didn't vote for Obama based on his tax policy, viewpoints on abortion, or gay marriage. For God's sake, he wasn't even my first candidate (Kucinich #1 and a longshot).
Think back to George Bush's 2000 campaign promise of running as "a uniter not a divider". There's really no evidence that suggests he ever had intentions of following through with those empty words.
Obama to me, is the epitome of a man who has the ability to unite this country.
I know it's difficult to accept the direction this country will take if you don't agree with Obama policies, but don't write him off. He's not even had a single day in office. Give him a chance. THEN you can form an opinion.
Grasp this olive branch, or burn it.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Burying luck
At the very least you could've been honest with me. Of course I can't (and won't) say anything about it.
Self-hate, self-hate self-hate...
I really hate it when people ask me "What are you up to these days". Instantanious embarassment!
"Oh you know, living at home because I can't afford to move out while I'm working a terrible job where I get attacked every day."
I'm so embarassed with where my life has lead me; or where I've lead my life. Whichever.
Quit falling for friends, or better yet, doing ridiculous drunken things in front of good ones.
I'm relatively sure the more we hang out that my chances continue to dwindle, but I have fun with you.
Self-hate, self-hate self-hate...
I really hate it when people ask me "What are you up to these days". Instantanious embarassment!
"Oh you know, living at home because I can't afford to move out while I'm working a terrible job where I get attacked every day."
I'm so embarassed with where my life has lead me; or where I've lead my life. Whichever.
Quit falling for friends, or better yet, doing ridiculous drunken things in front of good ones.
I'm relatively sure the more we hang out that my chances continue to dwindle, but I have fun with you.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Octoblues
Anyone ever notice that I'm never happy anymore?
Anyone?
I've been working and working on getting myself out of this shitty situation that I'm, admittedly, responsible for.
It's a near un-surmountable feat to get myself up for work everyday, let alone out of bed just to make something of myself.
You'd really be surprised how 50(+) hours per week of constantly being on-guard for your own safety can really emotionally drain you. This job isn't safe for me. Physically, mentally, or financially. Not for $8.75/hr. What ever happened to fair pay.
Giving some thought to rather grave consequences (shall we call it?) again. Not safe.
Anyone?
I've been working and working on getting myself out of this shitty situation that I'm, admittedly, responsible for.
It's a near un-surmountable feat to get myself up for work everyday, let alone out of bed just to make something of myself.
You'd really be surprised how 50(+) hours per week of constantly being on-guard for your own safety can really emotionally drain you. This job isn't safe for me. Physically, mentally, or financially. Not for $8.75/hr. What ever happened to fair pay.
Giving some thought to rather grave consequences (shall we call it?) again. Not safe.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Placebo
Having seen what this Upper-Midwest world has to offer, and a year-long bout of insomnia has subjected me to starting a new blog. One which I’ll undoubtedly neglect and regret for my brutally honest ventings, rants, and confessions. Should you find yourself actually reading this, I encourage you to find better things to do with your time. Namely any of the following: Whale-watching, volunteerism, Facebook stalking, cleaning out your refridgerator, picking up more hours at work, researching the history of the modern Chinese culture, gardening, or wood working.
It’s fall, which means I’m once again re-examining my life and thinking about how I should definitely be going back to school for something more practical, only to be shot down by my left-hemisphere’s logical side. It’s really the monetary issue that holds me back most. I’m relatively sure I could get in…somewhere. Ideally not clown college though. Last year I gave serious thought to going into teaching with a focus on history. Only to remember that by the time I finished I would be looking at close to $80,000 dollars in debt, holding two degrees, and no career that would offer enough to pay student loans back within my lifetime.
Wisconsin is starting to not feel like home anymore, and I long to root somewhere. Minneapolis would be awesome to live in again. Portland (ME or OR) has often been the subject of day dreams. Recently Asheville came into play, after Brad helped launch a Triple-A there. It seems like a pretty ideal situation, but my self-hating thoughts write scenes that suggest otherwise. Awful assumptions that I can’t often convince myself are incorrect.
I think a lot of this boils down to myself feeling rather un-fulfilled with what I’ve done in my life. What little I feel I’ve experienced, enjoyed or more specifically NOT enjoyed. Even more frustrating is not being able to site specific examples of what I would like enjoy/not enjoy/experience. It’s not unlike the feeling I had when I was 17 or 18, not knowing what should be done with my future, but knowing what mattered to me and taking a shot at a direction.
Wrong decisions, poor decisions, and an overactive mind bring me to this hole, unable to grasp onto anything that’s taken root, in order to pull myself up and onto some soft earth.
It’s fall, which means I’m once again re-examining my life and thinking about how I should definitely be going back to school for something more practical, only to be shot down by my left-hemisphere’s logical side. It’s really the monetary issue that holds me back most. I’m relatively sure I could get in…somewhere. Ideally not clown college though. Last year I gave serious thought to going into teaching with a focus on history. Only to remember that by the time I finished I would be looking at close to $80,000 dollars in debt, holding two degrees, and no career that would offer enough to pay student loans back within my lifetime.
Wisconsin is starting to not feel like home anymore, and I long to root somewhere. Minneapolis would be awesome to live in again. Portland (ME or OR) has often been the subject of day dreams. Recently Asheville came into play, after Brad helped launch a Triple-A there. It seems like a pretty ideal situation, but my self-hating thoughts write scenes that suggest otherwise. Awful assumptions that I can’t often convince myself are incorrect.
I think a lot of this boils down to myself feeling rather un-fulfilled with what I’ve done in my life. What little I feel I’ve experienced, enjoyed or more specifically NOT enjoyed. Even more frustrating is not being able to site specific examples of what I would like enjoy/not enjoy/experience. It’s not unlike the feeling I had when I was 17 or 18, not knowing what should be done with my future, but knowing what mattered to me and taking a shot at a direction.
Wrong decisions, poor decisions, and an overactive mind bring me to this hole, unable to grasp onto anything that’s taken root, in order to pull myself up and onto some soft earth.
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